Today was Yom Kippur. For those of you who do not know what Yom Kippur is about, it is the day when the Jewish people fast from Sundown to Sundown (5:11 PM on Tuesday-6:08 PM on Wednesday this year specifically) and contemplate what they need to be forgiven about from the past year. You fast because it is supposed to be a struggle and a challenge. On most holidays you greet people with Chamag Sameach (happy holiday) but today you say Tzom Kahl (easy fast). This is because Yom Kippur is not a happy holiday. It is actually a very difficult holiday because you are supposed to suffer in order to be forgiven. I usually fast at home but not like I did here. At home I will have a normal night and then I just won't eat the next day but I will still drink water. Here I stopped eating before 5:11 and didn't eat or drink anything until about 6:15 the next day. Even though it was not that challenging I feel that I did it correctly and I feel like I can start the new year on the right foot once again. Around 4:00 I was at another apartment of some people in my group and we were just sitting around, waiting for the sun to set so that we could break the fast. One of the girls suggested that we go around the room and discuss what we want to change or be forgiven for. Even though I have thought about it over the past week or so, I didn't have much to say. Normally, for the new year we say what we want to do, a new years resolution. Yom Kippur is more about looking at the past year and forgiveness. For me there is really not much I need to be forgiven for. I tend to air on the side of caution. I don't upset people, get angry, cause drama, lie, cheat, etc... I wasn't sure so I talked about some things that I want to achieve for the next year. I said I want to really make an effort in learning Hebrew and actually impact some of my students live. These were generic but I couldn't think of much at the time. I have never been great with words and saying things at the right moment so I didn't really have that much to add to the conversation.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with the problems in their life. Some need to talk to other people and argue to get it out, others take a walk or meditate to think it through privately, others exercise and get their heart rate up to solve their problems. I like to write. I have always been good at opening up in my writing and it is my way of exploring my thoughts. Writing appeals to me most because it is a way that I can go back and forth in my head and then have a tangible object so I can really go back and think it through. Sometimes I like to go back and read my thoughts when I need to solve my problems. It doesn't just bring back the memories but it actually brings back the emotions and feelings I was experiencing when I was writing or what I was writing about. After some time to think about what I need to be forgiven about I have come to some conclusions. One is that I need to be more expressive about what I want or what I want to say. If you know me well I tend to be very easy going, always ready to do what other people want and give a lending hand. I think this is a great quality and actually take pride in the fact that I am always willing to help someone when they need me. However, is it always the best thing for me? I forget who said this but there is a quote that says "all humans are selfish beings." I agree 100% with this quote even thought it may appear that I am not selfish. But it is actually selfish because helping other people makes me feel good about myself. Also when other people think highly of me it makes me feel good about myself. I am not saying that I should stop giving to others and making sure the people around me are safe or comfortable or happy. I am saying that I need to look out for my own happiness and pleasure a little more. I need to say no to people a little bit more, or call someone out for doing something wrong, even if confrontation makes me feel awkward. That may be the root of my Yom Kippur repentance. I am so afraid of and opposed to confrontation that I tend to avoid it all together. If someone offends me I tend to brush it off and not let it bother me. But maybe sometimes it does bother me and I should tell that person that it did.
Anyways, this is why I like writing. I am not sure if I would have come to this conclusion if I was talking to someone and I probably wouldn't remember it if I thought about it on a walk. Now it is here, forever. I have a permanent record of how I want to become a better person. How I want to change my life this year. This may not be easy and I know confrontation is uncomfortable for me, but over the past few years I have overcome many of my fears. I overcame my fear of dark water when I took a SCUBA class. I became very independent and don't feel uncomfortable in new or unfamiliar situations. So why can't I overcome my fear of confrontation. This may be difficult but it is something that I know I can overcome. I won't go out to seek confrontation but I need to get more vocal when something bothers me. I actually had a dream last night that I broke up a brawl of about 40 people. I won't get into it but I raised my voice and took command of the situation. People listened to me. They stopped fighting. They became quiet. I had control. I was a leader, a peacemaker, I was who I think I want to become.
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