So I really like the website TED.com. Ted talks are a lecture series. Their slogan is "Ideas worth spreading" and I love it. I watch a few a week and I want to start posting the ones that I see on my blog. Ken Jennings gives a talk about how our society is losing its value towards knowledge because it is always at our fingertips. Towards the end he talks about how there is never a time to stop learning and that we should do so every day. I couldn't agree more, and one of my college graduation speakers said the same thing.
Here is the talk
Ken Jennings TEDTalk
Friday, April 5, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Alone, Not Lonely
Many people have this great fear of being alone. They think that if they are alone, they
are lonely. They think that others
will look at them, judge them, and make fun of them, and one day they will die
lonely and miserable. They don’t
understand that being alone and being lonely are completely different
things.
This week’s “How I Met Your Mother” episode was on this
topic. If you know the show Ted,
the main character has this daydream about his 4 best friends who are married
to each other (so he is kind of the 5th wheel). He is sitting in the bar alone staring
at a beer and a ticket to a show.
At the end he talks about how lonely and alone he is. I have watched the whole show and I know
that he is not lonely or alone. He
has great friends who he is with every day, but he is just depressed because he
has not found a wife yet. And that
is societies definition of alone.
I say fuck that. Just
because he doesn’t have a wife or a girlfriend does not mean he is alone. In fact, its an opportunity to embrace
being by yourself, which many people do not take advantage of.
I love to do things alone or on my own, as I like to put it. I went to college alone, I went abroad
to Barcelona alone, and I went to Israel alone. You know what I learned? I learned how to figure things out
for myself and solve my own problems, I learned who I really am, and I learned
that it is extremely important to do things on your own. I could have done all of these things
with my best friends but I chose not to and I couldn’t be happier with the way
things turned out.
I am extremely good at doing things and figuring things out
on my own. When I go to visit a
friend and I don’t know anything about the place, I usually don’t learn as much
as I do when I don’t visit someone.
When I visit friends they show me around and take me places but if I am
not the one figuring it out, then I won’t be able to do the same thing next
time. However, if I am the one
doing the research and figuring out how to get places and finding the
restaurants I learn so much more and if I want to go back to that place I can
easily retrace my steps and figure out what to do. I also like to be in control of directions and schedules. When I travel with people I usually
take the lead on directions and people have told me that they feel safe when I
am directing them because they trust me.
When I am by myself, I am not really by myself, but I am
with the coolest person I know.
One thing I lacked when I was younger was a lot of self-confidence. But as I have grown up I have become
much more independent and confident in my decisions and myself. I am the most interesting person I
know. I listen to the music I
want, travel where I want, eat what I want, and do whatever I want, whenever I
want. I also really enjoy meeting
new people on my own. Not because
I can make up some bullshit story and be someone I am not because I can. I like meeting new people on my own
because I do in fact think other people are interesting, but I can tell people really
like me for me, and not for the people I am with. They find my life interesting and think I am mature and I
think I do a great job of changing peoples perspectives of Americans.
I try to encourage people to do things on their own. To embrace their freedom and enjoy it
while it lasts. Before we know it,
that time we had to ourselves will soon be going to our pets, our kids, our
jobs, and our wives/husbands.
Everyone should be able to go to a bar or travel without anyone else and
meet some cool people. That is actually
where I might have met some of the coolest people I have ever met…some of whom
I don’t even know their names. But
they have been very interesting to talk to, and inspiring, and after we finished
talking we said bye, and that was it.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Things Usually Work Out in the End
Right now, I think I am in a very good place in my
life. I have been living in Israel
for 10 months teaching English…what do I need to worry about, right? Not
entirely true. What I am doing
here sounds awesome and everyone should be grateful to experience what I
am. However, life here isn’t so
easy. Teaching can be stressful,
Israel is expensive, the language is different and exhausting, and I have no
idea what I am doing after this.
Don’t get me wrong I love it here but by the time my 10 months are up I
will be more than ready to go home and probably completely broke. Many people don’t like it at all
here. Many of the people on my
program could care less about the teaching, learning the language, and would go
home tomorrow if they didn’t have to pay to loose their grant money. This is where my attitude sets me apart
from many other people. My
positive outlook, and ability to stay calm when the shit hits the fan helps me
get through the problems. So some
days I might have a bad day, but every new day should be something to look
forward to and not dreaded. A lot
of the time when people tell me about their problems I tell them to sleep on
it. Then in the morning, or some
time after, do something about it.
Don’t just complain to me, face your problem and take some action.
Over the past few years my dad has given me some good
advice. The two quotes that stand
out are “be proactive” and “you will never get anything if you don’t ask for
it.” Proactive was the word of the
year when I was a freshman in college.
Basically he was saying that I should step out of my comfort zone and
take some chances, meet some new people, and try some new things. Maybe I might like some of them. The second quote also encourages me to
take chances. The worst that can
happen is that someone will say no, right?
I have learned over the past few years that it is great to
step out of my comfort zone, dare to question and ask, and just relax when
things go wrong. Things tend to
work out in the end.
Now here is a cool video and words of wisdom from Allen
Watts
Monday, January 7, 2013
A New Beginning?
The highlight of my last month was my trip to Barcelona with my brother. When I knew I was coming back to Israel I didn't think that I would leave the country for 10 months. The main reason was that I didn't think I could afford it. I have also traveled in Europe and I wanted to experience a lot of Israel. Anyway, my brother and I planned a trip to Barcelona and everything worked out fairly well.
We rented an apartment in the old city, near the Jaume I Metro stop. This is one of my favorite areas in the city. Our apartment had a rooftop panoramic view and you could see just about everything. The sun rose over the Mediterranean over the Santa Maria del Mar, and set through the Steeple of the Cathedral. I will not explain the entire trip in detail but I took him around the city, we biked, drank, ate great food, did a lot of walking and saw a classical guitarist Manuel Gonzalez perform in a different church, the Santa Maria del Pi. That was my second time watching him live, the first was in the Palau de la Musica Catalana with my aunt and uncle. We also went on a tour of the Palau de la Musica, which remains to be my favorite place in Barcelona.
My last day in Barcelona was December 21, 2012. THE END OF THE WORLD. So everyone knows the story. It was the end of the 13th Baktun of the Mayan calendar which lasts for over 5000 years. First of all, the Mayans don't have any recordings of what will after the end of the 13th Baktun because their civilization didn't last long enough. But it is more of a beginning than an ending, and that is what I like to focus on. December 21st, obviously, is very close to the new year of the Gregorian calendar.
This idea of a new beginning has always resonated with me. If you know me well, you know that I am a very optimistic person. I like to focus on the good, and learn from the bad. 2013 will have a major impact on my life. My birthday is also on December 28th so I am 23, this will be my first full year out of college and more or less independent. How will I grow? What will I learn? How can I make the most of my experience here in Israel? I will have many experiences this year that I have never had to think about, but I am excited and ready to take charge.
I had a post about the Rosh Hashonna, the Jewish New Year, a few months ago. I made a challenging new years resolution about how I was going to be more open about what I want and if people are bothering me. Today my friend, who I have not seen in a few months, asked me how that was going. I said it was going well. In some parts of my life it is going well, but in others I think I can still improve. I am doing a great job at my school. If anything is bothering me, or if I have a problem with a student, I don't hesitate to take action. I am a peacemaker and I do not like to cause drama, but I need to keep this idea close to me. I take on a leadership position in what I am a part of and this is a major part of being a leader.
The first Monday of every month, we have a training seminar. This month it was in Jerusalem and included all of ITF in Israel. The training was about interpersonal relationships. The lecture was mostly about how a messenger can most successfully convey their message to their audience. It kind of goes hand in hand with my previous paragraph, which I am just realizing now. But I learned a lot from the lecture and I want to implement some of the strategies into my teaching. This is a very positive first step in making the most of my time in Israel. I feel that I am doing a good job teaching but I know I can do more. I know I have a lot of potential to make an impact on my students lives. I need to start planning my classes more and finding different, fun ways to fully engage my students.
I have a trait that sets me apart from many of my peers. I truly care. We get 1000 shekels a month (~$300). The mindset of many people in the Israel Teaching Fellows is that "I am getting paid X and I am going to put X amount of effort into my work." This is extremely frustrating for me. My mindset is that it is a learning experience and I am a volunteer. I need to make the most out of this experience and there is no reason to attach a dollar amount to the effort I put in. I only have 10 months here. At school, I can also do whatever I want. At the end of the year a full time teacher needs to show that their students improved that year. I don't have to prove anything. Of course I want my students to improve but the fact that I don't need to show results means that I can try things that are different and not be afraid to fail. The people training me keep saying that "you are not teachers." We are educators but we are here for different reasons. I am a resource to help my teachers and I want to be the best resource that I can be. I know that the more effort I put into this experience, the more I will take from it, and the more it will shape my future. Now the question is, how do I get my peers to have a similar mindset?
We rented an apartment in the old city, near the Jaume I Metro stop. This is one of my favorite areas in the city. Our apartment had a rooftop panoramic view and you could see just about everything. The sun rose over the Mediterranean over the Santa Maria del Mar, and set through the Steeple of the Cathedral. I will not explain the entire trip in detail but I took him around the city, we biked, drank, ate great food, did a lot of walking and saw a classical guitarist Manuel Gonzalez perform in a different church, the Santa Maria del Pi. That was my second time watching him live, the first was in the Palau de la Musica Catalana with my aunt and uncle. We also went on a tour of the Palau de la Musica, which remains to be my favorite place in Barcelona.
My last day in Barcelona was December 21, 2012. THE END OF THE WORLD. So everyone knows the story. It was the end of the 13th Baktun of the Mayan calendar which lasts for over 5000 years. First of all, the Mayans don't have any recordings of what will after the end of the 13th Baktun because their civilization didn't last long enough. But it is more of a beginning than an ending, and that is what I like to focus on. December 21st, obviously, is very close to the new year of the Gregorian calendar.
This idea of a new beginning has always resonated with me. If you know me well, you know that I am a very optimistic person. I like to focus on the good, and learn from the bad. 2013 will have a major impact on my life. My birthday is also on December 28th so I am 23, this will be my first full year out of college and more or less independent. How will I grow? What will I learn? How can I make the most of my experience here in Israel? I will have many experiences this year that I have never had to think about, but I am excited and ready to take charge.
I had a post about the Rosh Hashonna, the Jewish New Year, a few months ago. I made a challenging new years resolution about how I was going to be more open about what I want and if people are bothering me. Today my friend, who I have not seen in a few months, asked me how that was going. I said it was going well. In some parts of my life it is going well, but in others I think I can still improve. I am doing a great job at my school. If anything is bothering me, or if I have a problem with a student, I don't hesitate to take action. I am a peacemaker and I do not like to cause drama, but I need to keep this idea close to me. I take on a leadership position in what I am a part of and this is a major part of being a leader.
The first Monday of every month, we have a training seminar. This month it was in Jerusalem and included all of ITF in Israel. The training was about interpersonal relationships. The lecture was mostly about how a messenger can most successfully convey their message to their audience. It kind of goes hand in hand with my previous paragraph, which I am just realizing now. But I learned a lot from the lecture and I want to implement some of the strategies into my teaching. This is a very positive first step in making the most of my time in Israel. I feel that I am doing a good job teaching but I know I can do more. I know I have a lot of potential to make an impact on my students lives. I need to start planning my classes more and finding different, fun ways to fully engage my students.
I have a trait that sets me apart from many of my peers. I truly care. We get 1000 shekels a month (~$300). The mindset of many people in the Israel Teaching Fellows is that "I am getting paid X and I am going to put X amount of effort into my work." This is extremely frustrating for me. My mindset is that it is a learning experience and I am a volunteer. I need to make the most out of this experience and there is no reason to attach a dollar amount to the effort I put in. I only have 10 months here. At school, I can also do whatever I want. At the end of the year a full time teacher needs to show that their students improved that year. I don't have to prove anything. Of course I want my students to improve but the fact that I don't need to show results means that I can try things that are different and not be afraid to fail. The people training me keep saying that "you are not teachers." We are educators but we are here for different reasons. I am a resource to help my teachers and I want to be the best resource that I can be. I know that the more effort I put into this experience, the more I will take from it, and the more it will shape my future. Now the question is, how do I get my peers to have a similar mindset?
Saturday, December 1, 2012
In The Groove
These last few weeks have been amazing. I have enjoyed the fact that I am finally in a routine with everything and I know what I can expect in my schedule.
A basic day starts by waking up at 6:30 in the morning. I will then make some breakfast, usually scrambled eggs, and coffee and read some news, go on Facebook, or check my email. Then I shower, get ready and leave the house at 7:30 for school. Most days I teach 4 classes at school. I usually just stick to the lesson plan but if we finish early I will try to play a game with the students, such as 20 questions or pictionary. After school I have a little time to rest but every day I do something in the afternoons as well. Sunday and Wednesday are Ulpan (Hebrew lessons), Monday is an English club for Israeli's my age, and Tuesdays I meet with an Israeli and help her English and to help my Hebrew (like tutoring but we just chat for a while). Thursday night I go to Tel Aviv, and Friday is my day at the Market and then Shabbat dinner somewhere. Lastly, my lazy Saturdays surely are lazy, and I can gather myself for the week. It may sound kind of boring but it is great. And I still get many chances to do cool things.
Like one weekend I went to Haifa. The weekend of November 1st I went to Haifa to visit the soldiers from my Birthright trip. For the first time I felt more like an Israeli. Most of the time here I am with Americans. Whether it is people from my program, or friends from home who are also here. But this weekend in Haifa I didn't even see any other Americans. On Thursday when I got there, Yaniv picked me up from the train station and we went to his house where we ate some food and got to catch up a bit. Then other friend, Daniel, invited me to do Capoeira for a few hours. Capoeira is a Brazilian martial art dance form. It is like other martial arts but the key is to dodge and avoid each other while in the Hoda. I had learned once before, from Daniel on Birthright, but I had not tried it since. It was awesome and I picked up the basics fairly easily. Some of the people were amazing. I wanted to get a video of them but it slipped my mind. That night we went out to get some beers at a pub and relaxed. The next day I went with Yaniv to a play soccer with his friends. There were about 5 teams of 4 and we just rotated out after 7 minute games. By this point I was extremely sore and tired but it was great and a lot of fun. That night we had Shabbat dinner at Daniel's house where they were very impressed with not only my Hebrew, but also my accent. I was very proud of that, especially since my Spanish accent is awful.
Another part of the past month was the short conflict with Gaza. You would think I would put it up top because it was a life changing experience and one of the craziest parts of the past month. Not really in Ramla. I didn't once here the alarm go off. Ramla is a highly populated Arab city, not that Hammas would care if they killed some Arabs in Ramla. Ramla is also just out of their firing range, and a different direction from Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. I can't say the same for my friends in Be'er Sheva and Ashdod though. Both of the programs in those cities were evacuated up north and they volunteered in other places for a week. For me, life went on as usual. On Shabbat, my teacher invited Rebecca (the other ITF member from my school) and I over for dinner and we had an amazing home cooked meal. I brought a nice bottle of wine, I usually drink cheap wine but I didn't want to bring the crap wine there. But I found a bottle of Chianti for 40 NIS ~$10 and it was really good. Then after 8 days of conflict, there was a cease fire and there has not been anything since.
Lastly, it was my first Thanksgiving experience outside of the US. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday so I was really encouraging everyone to do something. We ended up having it on Friday and it was just a bigger Shabbat dinner, with Turkey (obviously). Everything was fantastic and there was a lot of good food and more wine. I wish I could have been with my family and friends back home but we have a nice "family" here. It is comforting to be able to call the people I am with my Israeli family since I don't have anyone here. I said I was thankful for the school I am teaching at. Since this whole experience is either going to make or break the decision of whether or not I want to teach as a career, it is great to have a school that is organized and cares about the well being of their students and staff. I wish I could say the same about all of the other schools but maybe it is also because I care too. For some reason I always seem to be a part of the best experiences. Like my host family from Barcelona, this school and our group. Am I lucky or is it something else? Whatever it is, I hope the trend continues forever.
A basic day starts by waking up at 6:30 in the morning. I will then make some breakfast, usually scrambled eggs, and coffee and read some news, go on Facebook, or check my email. Then I shower, get ready and leave the house at 7:30 for school. Most days I teach 4 classes at school. I usually just stick to the lesson plan but if we finish early I will try to play a game with the students, such as 20 questions or pictionary. After school I have a little time to rest but every day I do something in the afternoons as well. Sunday and Wednesday are Ulpan (Hebrew lessons), Monday is an English club for Israeli's my age, and Tuesdays I meet with an Israeli and help her English and to help my Hebrew (like tutoring but we just chat for a while). Thursday night I go to Tel Aviv, and Friday is my day at the Market and then Shabbat dinner somewhere. Lastly, my lazy Saturdays surely are lazy, and I can gather myself for the week. It may sound kind of boring but it is great. And I still get many chances to do cool things.
Like one weekend I went to Haifa. The weekend of November 1st I went to Haifa to visit the soldiers from my Birthright trip. For the first time I felt more like an Israeli. Most of the time here I am with Americans. Whether it is people from my program, or friends from home who are also here. But this weekend in Haifa I didn't even see any other Americans. On Thursday when I got there, Yaniv picked me up from the train station and we went to his house where we ate some food and got to catch up a bit. Then other friend, Daniel, invited me to do Capoeira for a few hours. Capoeira is a Brazilian martial art dance form. It is like other martial arts but the key is to dodge and avoid each other while in the Hoda. I had learned once before, from Daniel on Birthright, but I had not tried it since. It was awesome and I picked up the basics fairly easily. Some of the people were amazing. I wanted to get a video of them but it slipped my mind. That night we went out to get some beers at a pub and relaxed. The next day I went with Yaniv to a play soccer with his friends. There were about 5 teams of 4 and we just rotated out after 7 minute games. By this point I was extremely sore and tired but it was great and a lot of fun. That night we had Shabbat dinner at Daniel's house where they were very impressed with not only my Hebrew, but also my accent. I was very proud of that, especially since my Spanish accent is awful.
Another part of the past month was the short conflict with Gaza. You would think I would put it up top because it was a life changing experience and one of the craziest parts of the past month. Not really in Ramla. I didn't once here the alarm go off. Ramla is a highly populated Arab city, not that Hammas would care if they killed some Arabs in Ramla. Ramla is also just out of their firing range, and a different direction from Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. I can't say the same for my friends in Be'er Sheva and Ashdod though. Both of the programs in those cities were evacuated up north and they volunteered in other places for a week. For me, life went on as usual. On Shabbat, my teacher invited Rebecca (the other ITF member from my school) and I over for dinner and we had an amazing home cooked meal. I brought a nice bottle of wine, I usually drink cheap wine but I didn't want to bring the crap wine there. But I found a bottle of Chianti for 40 NIS ~$10 and it was really good. Then after 8 days of conflict, there was a cease fire and there has not been anything since.
Lastly, it was my first Thanksgiving experience outside of the US. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday so I was really encouraging everyone to do something. We ended up having it on Friday and it was just a bigger Shabbat dinner, with Turkey (obviously). Everything was fantastic and there was a lot of good food and more wine. I wish I could have been with my family and friends back home but we have a nice "family" here. It is comforting to be able to call the people I am with my Israeli family since I don't have anyone here. I said I was thankful for the school I am teaching at. Since this whole experience is either going to make or break the decision of whether or not I want to teach as a career, it is great to have a school that is organized and cares about the well being of their students and staff. I wish I could say the same about all of the other schools but maybe it is also because I care too. For some reason I always seem to be a part of the best experiences. Like my host family from Barcelona, this school and our group. Am I lucky or is it something else? Whatever it is, I hope the trend continues forever.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Sukkot in Tsfat with Livnot
I had the privileged of celebrating Sukkot in the wonderful city of Tsfat. When I checked my email after the program, there was a message in my inbox inviting me to write a blog post about my experience. I have been waiting to post the link on this blog and it is finally here.
http://www.livnot.org/blog/2012/10/sukkot-in-tzfat/
I hope you enjoy it
http://www.livnot.org/blog/2012/10/sukkot-in-tzfat/
I hope you enjoy it
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Holy Holidays in the Holy Land
Today was Yom Kippur. For those of you who do not know what Yom Kippur is about, it is the day when the Jewish people fast from Sundown to Sundown (5:11 PM on Tuesday-6:08 PM on Wednesday this year specifically) and contemplate what they need to be forgiven about from the past year. You fast because it is supposed to be a struggle and a challenge. On most holidays you greet people with Chamag Sameach (happy holiday) but today you say Tzom Kahl (easy fast). This is because Yom Kippur is not a happy holiday. It is actually a very difficult holiday because you are supposed to suffer in order to be forgiven. I usually fast at home but not like I did here. At home I will have a normal night and then I just won't eat the next day but I will still drink water. Here I stopped eating before 5:11 and didn't eat or drink anything until about 6:15 the next day. Even though it was not that challenging I feel that I did it correctly and I feel like I can start the new year on the right foot once again. Around 4:00 I was at another apartment of some people in my group and we were just sitting around, waiting for the sun to set so that we could break the fast. One of the girls suggested that we go around the room and discuss what we want to change or be forgiven for. Even though I have thought about it over the past week or so, I didn't have much to say. Normally, for the new year we say what we want to do, a new years resolution. Yom Kippur is more about looking at the past year and forgiveness. For me there is really not much I need to be forgiven for. I tend to air on the side of caution. I don't upset people, get angry, cause drama, lie, cheat, etc... I wasn't sure so I talked about some things that I want to achieve for the next year. I said I want to really make an effort in learning Hebrew and actually impact some of my students live. These were generic but I couldn't think of much at the time. I have never been great with words and saying things at the right moment so I didn't really have that much to add to the conversation.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with the problems in their life. Some need to talk to other people and argue to get it out, others take a walk or meditate to think it through privately, others exercise and get their heart rate up to solve their problems. I like to write. I have always been good at opening up in my writing and it is my way of exploring my thoughts. Writing appeals to me most because it is a way that I can go back and forth in my head and then have a tangible object so I can really go back and think it through. Sometimes I like to go back and read my thoughts when I need to solve my problems. It doesn't just bring back the memories but it actually brings back the emotions and feelings I was experiencing when I was writing or what I was writing about. After some time to think about what I need to be forgiven about I have come to some conclusions. One is that I need to be more expressive about what I want or what I want to say. If you know me well I tend to be very easy going, always ready to do what other people want and give a lending hand. I think this is a great quality and actually take pride in the fact that I am always willing to help someone when they need me. However, is it always the best thing for me? I forget who said this but there is a quote that says "all humans are selfish beings." I agree 100% with this quote even thought it may appear that I am not selfish. But it is actually selfish because helping other people makes me feel good about myself. Also when other people think highly of me it makes me feel good about myself. I am not saying that I should stop giving to others and making sure the people around me are safe or comfortable or happy. I am saying that I need to look out for my own happiness and pleasure a little more. I need to say no to people a little bit more, or call someone out for doing something wrong, even if confrontation makes me feel awkward. That may be the root of my Yom Kippur repentance. I am so afraid of and opposed to confrontation that I tend to avoid it all together. If someone offends me I tend to brush it off and not let it bother me. But maybe sometimes it does bother me and I should tell that person that it did.
Anyways, this is why I like writing. I am not sure if I would have come to this conclusion if I was talking to someone and I probably wouldn't remember it if I thought about it on a walk. Now it is here, forever. I have a permanent record of how I want to become a better person. How I want to change my life this year. This may not be easy and I know confrontation is uncomfortable for me, but over the past few years I have overcome many of my fears. I overcame my fear of dark water when I took a SCUBA class. I became very independent and don't feel uncomfortable in new or unfamiliar situations. So why can't I overcome my fear of confrontation. This may be difficult but it is something that I know I can overcome. I won't go out to seek confrontation but I need to get more vocal when something bothers me. I actually had a dream last night that I broke up a brawl of about 40 people. I won't get into it but I raised my voice and took command of the situation. People listened to me. They stopped fighting. They became quiet. I had control. I was a leader, a peacemaker, I was who I think I want to become.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with the problems in their life. Some need to talk to other people and argue to get it out, others take a walk or meditate to think it through privately, others exercise and get their heart rate up to solve their problems. I like to write. I have always been good at opening up in my writing and it is my way of exploring my thoughts. Writing appeals to me most because it is a way that I can go back and forth in my head and then have a tangible object so I can really go back and think it through. Sometimes I like to go back and read my thoughts when I need to solve my problems. It doesn't just bring back the memories but it actually brings back the emotions and feelings I was experiencing when I was writing or what I was writing about. After some time to think about what I need to be forgiven about I have come to some conclusions. One is that I need to be more expressive about what I want or what I want to say. If you know me well I tend to be very easy going, always ready to do what other people want and give a lending hand. I think this is a great quality and actually take pride in the fact that I am always willing to help someone when they need me. However, is it always the best thing for me? I forget who said this but there is a quote that says "all humans are selfish beings." I agree 100% with this quote even thought it may appear that I am not selfish. But it is actually selfish because helping other people makes me feel good about myself. Also when other people think highly of me it makes me feel good about myself. I am not saying that I should stop giving to others and making sure the people around me are safe or comfortable or happy. I am saying that I need to look out for my own happiness and pleasure a little more. I need to say no to people a little bit more, or call someone out for doing something wrong, even if confrontation makes me feel awkward. That may be the root of my Yom Kippur repentance. I am so afraid of and opposed to confrontation that I tend to avoid it all together. If someone offends me I tend to brush it off and not let it bother me. But maybe sometimes it does bother me and I should tell that person that it did.
Anyways, this is why I like writing. I am not sure if I would have come to this conclusion if I was talking to someone and I probably wouldn't remember it if I thought about it on a walk. Now it is here, forever. I have a permanent record of how I want to become a better person. How I want to change my life this year. This may not be easy and I know confrontation is uncomfortable for me, but over the past few years I have overcome many of my fears. I overcame my fear of dark water when I took a SCUBA class. I became very independent and don't feel uncomfortable in new or unfamiliar situations. So why can't I overcome my fear of confrontation. This may be difficult but it is something that I know I can overcome. I won't go out to seek confrontation but I need to get more vocal when something bothers me. I actually had a dream last night that I broke up a brawl of about 40 people. I won't get into it but I raised my voice and took command of the situation. People listened to me. They stopped fighting. They became quiet. I had control. I was a leader, a peacemaker, I was who I think I want to become.
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